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tiny_ninjaBecause this is what it's like to live with Jon on a daily basis. This man is 47 years old and acts like he's perpetually 15.
“It says ‘ducks’ on the fridge and there’s an F too and it’s hard… it’s so hard…”
- on the magnetic letters on the refrigerator
--
Gabby: *asks Jon to kiss various boo boos*
Jon: I don’t think your credit card has a boo boo.
Gabby: It’s full.
--
“Jesus, how many things do you have to kill in order to go pee in this castle?!”
- watching me Kingdom Hearts II, in Disney Castle
--
“Roses are red, violets smell bad, your mom just told me someone else is your dad.”
--
“Wow. This tastes the way Hormel chili smells.”
- while eating gas station beef jerky
--
"The recipe idea is good. The recipe itself is shit.
- on whether or not to add a whole can of diced tomatoes to our pasta dish in the making
--
"I’m still lyrically handicapped when it comes to introducing music to children."
- on the kids listening to his favorite music
--
Me: I’ve never made scones before.
Jon: Scones are a bag of dicks.
--
" I just figured out the best way to describe our property. You can take ten steps out into our woods and see fucking Survivorman sleeping under a lean-to."
--
"I do have a pretty impressive facial mullet. I’m really party in the front and business in the back."
- on his beard
--
"Of course you have imaginary friends, you’re a writer. Only your imaginary friends are assholes and they only come around when you don’t have time to play."
- in the most accurate statement about my writing process ever
--
"It’s a fuckin’ stuffed animal orgy in there."
- on the number of toys currently in Q’s bed to help him sleep
--
"Every time you open the basement door, the cat runs downstairs like she has to delete her browser history."
--
Jon: *holds up pizza* I could have just half a slice...
Me: No. It's 9:30 at night. You'll be lying in bed going, "Oh, my head hurts so much and now I'm coughing like a bitch because of the acid reflux and-"
Jon: SHUT UP. FUCK YOU. I HATE YOU. *shoves box into fridge*
--
"Okay, so I have an oddly-shaped dildo… I thought this was supposed to be for my nose."
- unpacking the sinus clearing kit thing the doctor had him buy today
--
Me: Every time Siri properly sets a timer I feel like giving my phone a gold star. Like the kid with the potty chart.
Jon: Well, most of the pee was in the bathroom, do you want a sticker?
--
"What do you mean the kid’s diaper smelled like burned asshole?"
- Me, after Jon let Q have Chipotle last night
--
"I think it tastes more like butthole. Ass can be kind of bland, butthole has a tang."
- when I told him the water tastes funny
--
"This would make a vegetarian sploosh."
- on the meat lasagna he made for dinner
--
"Nachos are just broken tacos… though broken tacos are broken dreams. Delicious broken dreams."
--
Q: I don't see any velociraptors out there.
Me: I don't see any raptors or monsters out there.
Jon: The velociraptors ate the monsters.
Me: And now they're in a food coma so you don't see them. They're napping.
--
Jon: I'm so much lazier than you are.
Me: Are you sure?
Jon: I'll pay you a dollar!
Me: You don't have a dollar.
Jon: ........I'll owe you a dollar?
--
Me: I'm a little short on word count, but only by 60 words.
Jon: Can you just write "fuck" 60 times?
--
"I play Lego games the way Joe Flacco plays quarterback: I chuck it and pray."
- playing Lego Jurassic World
--
"When the aliens come, just let me do the talking."
- while looking at the eclipse last night
--
Jon: Look at you, being all domesticated and shit!
Me: Don't worry, I'll go back to being my lazy ass bachelor self tomorrow.
--
"If you eat one of these cookies, you’re gonna see more than dinosaurs."
- when Q asked for one of his special cookies
--
Me: Now imagine if I tried to make it.
Jon: There would be tears.
Me: There would be Domino's.
- trying to have an Iron Chef night
--
"Both of these lanes move over, right? Good, I don’t want to be behind that sketchy truck. I feel like there’s a guy in a clown mask there… and a chain saw… and a ball gag…"
--
"We’re so close to home you can almost smell it. It smells like maple syrup and pot."
- talking to Q, while driving home to Maine
--
"I’ll give you $15 and all the risotto you can eat to make that blanket for me."
- seeing me drooling over a new afghan pattern
--
"Oh, I need someone to box? Give me a two year old. I’ll knock the shit out of them."
- describing how I power level in video games
--
"Llama llama drives me crazy,
Because your daddy’s fucking lazy."
- reading Llama Llama to Q
--
"Look at them, they don’t even have anything. Not a single one of them is sparkly. Begging-ass beggars."
- after killing some guys in Dragon Age
--
Jon: I used to keep chocolate chips around to add to vanilla ice cream.
Me: We used to keep chocolate chips around to smash in our face.
Jon: Yeah, we did that too. I miss that.
--
"Your parents don’t know what ginger is. They think it’s a character on Gilligan’s Island."
- on the fact that my parents do not have ginger in their spice cabinet
--
"This is what aged awesome looks like. Like a cheese."
- on his birthday
--
"It’s organic? So what? Sprinkle some DDT on there, bitch, and knock a dollar off the price."
- on organic peanut butter cups at Starbucks
--
Me: At least the house smells nice now.
Jon: Oh, that's me. Didn't you know that in the winter I fart pine?
- on having a real Christmas tree
--
"I got a man crush on Chris Cornell’s voice. Not on Chris Cornell, but I can pick out his voice anywhere."
- while listening to the radio
--
Q's dump truck toy, singing: In and out, in and out, that's what dump truck's all about...
Jon (under his breath): In and out, in and out, that's what fucking's all about...
--
"Look at us, making adult decisions! … You want some donuts?"
--
Me: That's just wrong. You weren't a child watching Rugrats. I was.
Jon: No, I was high watching Rugrats.
--
Jon: Oh! Crap! Gotta take the swords. That'll be awkward if I get pulled over.
Me: Just do what you usually do, and just blame me.
--
"Your Peter Pan wouldn’t. My Peter Pan slays bitches. It’s Peter Panic, as in you better fucking panic when you see me coming."
- discussing Peter Pan as we watch the end of Hook
--
"It could be a redemption story! Look at me now, I’m barely an asshole!"
--
Me: How many times do I need to tell you to fuck off?
Jon: At least once more, Miss Turner, as always.
- realizing Candy Crush was still on my iPad
--
Jon: That doesn't cost much these days, right?
Me: You only need to sell one organ for that.
Jon: It'll have to be yours, because no one's gonna want mine.
- on the prospect of future dental work for Q
--
"Well, you are my kid. The asshole runs deep in our family, son."
--
Me: Oh, thank you.
Jon: It's only half to be helpful. I threw my fork in the sink and I still have two bites of rice left. I mean, I love you, but sometimes I'm incredibly lazy.
- grabbing my empty plate for me
--
Me: It was just listed as "candy brownie."
Jon: It's just listed as "Jon has diabeetus."
--
"Any moron can make a baby, but you need a license to have a dog."
--
Jon: What did you feed him for breakfast, tacos?
Me: Uh, no. Bananas and yogurt.
Jon: That was not bananas. That was tacos.
--
Jon: I hate you!
Me: No, you don't.
Jon: Okay, fine. I am mildly annoyed at your use of logic and reasoning against me. Fuck you logic!
--
"I love how we can flip each other off and say ‘fuck you’ in such a charming and endearing manner."
--
Jon: Old age just came and kicked me right in the nuts.
Me: ....That's going on tumblr.
Jon: What?! I don't even remember what I said!
--
Jon: Oh my god, I need chocolate.
Me: There's raisinets on top of the fridge.
Jon: I love you. You know where my fix is. Come here, raisinets. You are my bitch.
--
"Wonderparent powers activate! Form of: not a douchebag!"
--
"I’m not even trying to be healthy anymore. I’m just trying to be one step below imminent death."
--
Me: It could be the coffee.
Jon: It could be the fuck you.
- on heartburn
--
"I should go to bed, but now I’m all pissed off about vegans… Fuck."
--
"Speaking from the perspective of a dick…"
--
"That’s it, that’s the rule. If you want to come see the baby, bring a pizza. Plain cheese will do just fine. If you want to hold the baby, bring hot wings."
“It says ‘ducks’ on the fridge and there’s an F too and it’s hard… it’s so hard…”
- on the magnetic letters on the refrigerator
--
Gabby: *asks Jon to kiss various boo boos*
Jon: I don’t think your credit card has a boo boo.
Gabby: It’s full.
--
“Jesus, how many things do you have to kill in order to go pee in this castle?!”
- watching me Kingdom Hearts II, in Disney Castle
--
“Roses are red, violets smell bad, your mom just told me someone else is your dad.”
--
“Wow. This tastes the way Hormel chili smells.”
- while eating gas station beef jerky
--
"The recipe idea is good. The recipe itself is shit.
- on whether or not to add a whole can of diced tomatoes to our pasta dish in the making
--
"I’m still lyrically handicapped when it comes to introducing music to children."
- on the kids listening to his favorite music
--
Me: I’ve never made scones before.
Jon: Scones are a bag of dicks.
--
" I just figured out the best way to describe our property. You can take ten steps out into our woods and see fucking Survivorman sleeping under a lean-to."
--
"I do have a pretty impressive facial mullet. I’m really party in the front and business in the back."
- on his beard
--
"Of course you have imaginary friends, you’re a writer. Only your imaginary friends are assholes and they only come around when you don’t have time to play."
- in the most accurate statement about my writing process ever
--
"It’s a fuckin’ stuffed animal orgy in there."
- on the number of toys currently in Q’s bed to help him sleep
--
"Every time you open the basement door, the cat runs downstairs like she has to delete her browser history."
--
Jon: *holds up pizza* I could have just half a slice...
Me: No. It's 9:30 at night. You'll be lying in bed going, "Oh, my head hurts so much and now I'm coughing like a bitch because of the acid reflux and-"
Jon: SHUT UP. FUCK YOU. I HATE YOU. *shoves box into fridge*
--
"Okay, so I have an oddly-shaped dildo… I thought this was supposed to be for my nose."
- unpacking the sinus clearing kit thing the doctor had him buy today
--
Me: Every time Siri properly sets a timer I feel like giving my phone a gold star. Like the kid with the potty chart.
Jon: Well, most of the pee was in the bathroom, do you want a sticker?
--
"What do you mean the kid’s diaper smelled like burned asshole?"
- Me, after Jon let Q have Chipotle last night
--
"I think it tastes more like butthole. Ass can be kind of bland, butthole has a tang."
- when I told him the water tastes funny
--
"This would make a vegetarian sploosh."
- on the meat lasagna he made for dinner
--
"Nachos are just broken tacos… though broken tacos are broken dreams. Delicious broken dreams."
--
Q: I don't see any velociraptors out there.
Me: I don't see any raptors or monsters out there.
Jon: The velociraptors ate the monsters.
Me: And now they're in a food coma so you don't see them. They're napping.
--
Jon: I'm so much lazier than you are.
Me: Are you sure?
Jon: I'll pay you a dollar!
Me: You don't have a dollar.
Jon: ........I'll owe you a dollar?
--
Me: I'm a little short on word count, but only by 60 words.
Jon: Can you just write "fuck" 60 times?
--
"I play Lego games the way Joe Flacco plays quarterback: I chuck it and pray."
- playing Lego Jurassic World
--
"When the aliens come, just let me do the talking."
- while looking at the eclipse last night
--
Jon: Look at you, being all domesticated and shit!
Me: Don't worry, I'll go back to being my lazy ass bachelor self tomorrow.
--
"If you eat one of these cookies, you’re gonna see more than dinosaurs."
- when Q asked for one of his special cookies
--
Me: Now imagine if I tried to make it.
Jon: There would be tears.
Me: There would be Domino's.
- trying to have an Iron Chef night
--
"Both of these lanes move over, right? Good, I don’t want to be behind that sketchy truck. I feel like there’s a guy in a clown mask there… and a chain saw… and a ball gag…"
--
"We’re so close to home you can almost smell it. It smells like maple syrup and pot."
- talking to Q, while driving home to Maine
--
"I’ll give you $15 and all the risotto you can eat to make that blanket for me."
- seeing me drooling over a new afghan pattern
--
"Oh, I need someone to box? Give me a two year old. I’ll knock the shit out of them."
- describing how I power level in video games
--
"Llama llama drives me crazy,
Because your daddy’s fucking lazy."
- reading Llama Llama to Q
--
"Look at them, they don’t even have anything. Not a single one of them is sparkly. Begging-ass beggars."
- after killing some guys in Dragon Age
--
Jon: I used to keep chocolate chips around to add to vanilla ice cream.
Me: We used to keep chocolate chips around to smash in our face.
Jon: Yeah, we did that too. I miss that.
--
"Your parents don’t know what ginger is. They think it’s a character on Gilligan’s Island."
- on the fact that my parents do not have ginger in their spice cabinet
--
"This is what aged awesome looks like. Like a cheese."
- on his birthday
--
"It’s organic? So what? Sprinkle some DDT on there, bitch, and knock a dollar off the price."
- on organic peanut butter cups at Starbucks
--
Me: At least the house smells nice now.
Jon: Oh, that's me. Didn't you know that in the winter I fart pine?
- on having a real Christmas tree
--
"I got a man crush on Chris Cornell’s voice. Not on Chris Cornell, but I can pick out his voice anywhere."
- while listening to the radio
--
Q's dump truck toy, singing: In and out, in and out, that's what dump truck's all about...
Jon (under his breath): In and out, in and out, that's what fucking's all about...
--
"Look at us, making adult decisions! … You want some donuts?"
--
Me: That's just wrong. You weren't a child watching Rugrats. I was.
Jon: No, I was high watching Rugrats.
--
Jon: Oh! Crap! Gotta take the swords. That'll be awkward if I get pulled over.
Me: Just do what you usually do, and just blame me.
--
"Your Peter Pan wouldn’t. My Peter Pan slays bitches. It’s Peter Panic, as in you better fucking panic when you see me coming."
- discussing Peter Pan as we watch the end of Hook
--
"It could be a redemption story! Look at me now, I’m barely an asshole!"
--
Me: How many times do I need to tell you to fuck off?
Jon: At least once more, Miss Turner, as always.
- realizing Candy Crush was still on my iPad
--
Jon: That doesn't cost much these days, right?
Me: You only need to sell one organ for that.
Jon: It'll have to be yours, because no one's gonna want mine.
- on the prospect of future dental work for Q
--
"Well, you are my kid. The asshole runs deep in our family, son."
--
Me: Oh, thank you.
Jon: It's only half to be helpful. I threw my fork in the sink and I still have two bites of rice left. I mean, I love you, but sometimes I'm incredibly lazy.
- grabbing my empty plate for me
--
Me: It was just listed as "candy brownie."
Jon: It's just listed as "Jon has diabeetus."
--
"Any moron can make a baby, but you need a license to have a dog."
--
Jon: What did you feed him for breakfast, tacos?
Me: Uh, no. Bananas and yogurt.
Jon: That was not bananas. That was tacos.
--
Jon: I hate you!
Me: No, you don't.
Jon: Okay, fine. I am mildly annoyed at your use of logic and reasoning against me. Fuck you logic!
--
"I love how we can flip each other off and say ‘fuck you’ in such a charming and endearing manner."
--
Jon: Old age just came and kicked me right in the nuts.
Me: ....That's going on tumblr.
Jon: What?! I don't even remember what I said!
--
Jon: Oh my god, I need chocolate.
Me: There's raisinets on top of the fridge.
Jon: I love you. You know where my fix is. Come here, raisinets. You are my bitch.
--
"Wonderparent powers activate! Form of: not a douchebag!"
--
"I’m not even trying to be healthy anymore. I’m just trying to be one step below imminent death."
--
Me: It could be the coffee.
Jon: It could be the fuck you.
- on heartburn
--
"I should go to bed, but now I’m all pissed off about vegans… Fuck."
--
"Speaking from the perspective of a dick…"
--
"That’s it, that’s the rule. If you want to come see the baby, bring a pizza. Plain cheese will do just fine. If you want to hold the baby, bring hot wings."
no subject
Date: 2019-01-06 08:32 pm (UTC)"Your dad is like a cross between the Burger King and Freddie Mercury... Burger Mercury."
Me: Dad's on a lot of drugs
Jon: Dad IS drugs
...also I kinda wanna make some of these into icons
ETA: I swear half of these conversations are things Ty and I say to each other. In some AU where we have kids, Ty and Jon would perpetually try to one up each other in dad stories
no subject
Date: 2019-01-07 12:07 pm (UTC)IF YOU MADE ICONS OF THESE HOLY SHIT THAT WOULD BE AMAZING. On par with your salty AO3 icons!!
lol oh my god yeah no Ty and Jon would try to out Dad joke each other and that would be a tag all of its own.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-07 12:36 pm (UTC)Ty is already a walking Dad Joke, so god forbid if we had kids. I think he would transcend to a new plane of existence. But yeah, they'd have their own tag, like #wedidweleavethemalone