amie lynne; (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tiny_ninja) wrote2019-08-14 06:14 pm
tiny_ninja) wrote2019-08-14 06:14 pm
it's like a whirlwind inside of my head;
WIP Wednesday!
That sounds more excited than I really am, tbh. I found out my boss is leaving, and as he's one of the few truly decent managers I've had in my Starbucks career, my anxiety has spiked through the roof. I now worry about everything to whether or not I get along with my incoming manager, and especially if he'll accept my availability - Jon and I work opposite shifts because we can't afford to put Gabby in daycare, and if he won't work with it, I'll have to step down. Which, by the way, also results in me not paying my bills. I'm likely overreacting, but that's the way anxiety works, so I'm dealing with it as best I can. I've also been through manager transition enough times to know that things won't feel "normal" again until, idk, maybe after Christmas.
Also starting to look at what other jobs are out there to get me out of this mess, which is another demon in and of itself.
Fun times.
None of this has particularly made me want to write this week. My![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
press_start_comm entry is almost finished, and it's sitting at over 8k, and fuck I hope the recipient likes it. I've also worked on some more of Ninjetti... in which the OT3 (Trini/Kim/Tommy) get together. I think this will end up being part of a one shot leading into prom, but it's going to earn it's E rating. Just gotta get into the right headspace to write the smut, that's all.
I have, however, been really excited to edit. I spent the last few days splitting a scene into two, writing a new ending and new beginning for them, and then continuing onward. I sometimes get frustrated at my "lack" of progress because I keep thinking I should be further along, but then I remember how much work I'm putting into this, and that it's going to be okay if I don't make some arbitrary deadline.
And then, on a lark, I decided to pull out the last thing I hardcore edited: One New Message.
Here is a typical page from One New Message. I flipped through the hard copy to see if there are pages with more written on them, and there are, but... not by a lot.
Looking back at it now, there are a lot of little notes like the one about Madison - ideas I had for that draft that I really should have addressed, and then I just... never did. I also have a notebook full of chapter by chapter notes for the next draft, in which I compiled ideas for how I was going to break this all down and rewrite it. Spoiler alert - I still haven't done that either.
Here is one of my recent pages I finished from A Hero Lies in You.
This is a lot more effort. I'm going line by line, seeing what works, trying to make it stronger. Am I? I don't know, but I know that the draft I'll have at the end won't be the same one I started with. I suppose we'll see what it looks like when I'm done, but I at least feel better about how far I've come as an editor.
Now if only I could finish the damn thing. Now, back to putting my edits into Scrivener.
That sounds more excited than I really am, tbh. I found out my boss is leaving, and as he's one of the few truly decent managers I've had in my Starbucks career, my anxiety has spiked through the roof. I now worry about everything to whether or not I get along with my incoming manager, and especially if he'll accept my availability - Jon and I work opposite shifts because we can't afford to put Gabby in daycare, and if he won't work with it, I'll have to step down. Which, by the way, also results in me not paying my bills. I'm likely overreacting, but that's the way anxiety works, so I'm dealing with it as best I can. I've also been through manager transition enough times to know that things won't feel "normal" again until, idk, maybe after Christmas.
Also starting to look at what other jobs are out there to get me out of this mess, which is another demon in and of itself.
Fun times.
None of this has particularly made me want to write this week. My
press_start_comm entry is almost finished, and it's sitting at over 8k, and fuck I hope the recipient likes it. I've also worked on some more of Ninjetti... in which the OT3 (Trini/Kim/Tommy) get together. I think this will end up being part of a one shot leading into prom, but it's going to earn it's E rating. Just gotta get into the right headspace to write the smut, that's all. I have, however, been really excited to edit. I spent the last few days splitting a scene into two, writing a new ending and new beginning for them, and then continuing onward. I sometimes get frustrated at my "lack" of progress because I keep thinking I should be further along, but then I remember how much work I'm putting into this, and that it's going to be okay if I don't make some arbitrary deadline.
And then, on a lark, I decided to pull out the last thing I hardcore edited: One New Message.
Here is a typical page from One New Message. I flipped through the hard copy to see if there are pages with more written on them, and there are, but... not by a lot.
Looking back at it now, there are a lot of little notes like the one about Madison - ideas I had for that draft that I really should have addressed, and then I just... never did. I also have a notebook full of chapter by chapter notes for the next draft, in which I compiled ideas for how I was going to break this all down and rewrite it. Spoiler alert - I still haven't done that either.
Here is one of my recent pages I finished from A Hero Lies in You.
This is a lot more effort. I'm going line by line, seeing what works, trying to make it stronger. Am I? I don't know, but I know that the draft I'll have at the end won't be the same one I started with. I suppose we'll see what it looks like when I'm done, but I at least feel better about how far I've come as an editor.
Now if only I could finish the damn thing. Now, back to putting my edits into Scrivener.
no subject
I'm so sorry about your manager leaving :( I was in that same situation last year and it's horrible. Thankfully, I got a great manager, but that's not always the case. I hope whoever fills in his role is also good, but it's not a bad idea to think of alternatives. Then again, I overthink things like this too, because anxiety, so this all sounds reasonable and valid to me. Would you want to look for another store to work at or a different kind of job entirely or like... whatever pays you and gives you proper hours? I swear jobs requirements these days are like 1) does give money? 2) has hours? 3) maybe lunch? 4) also won't make me scream every other minute?
Best of luck bb ♥ know I'm always here if you need to vent.
I'm so excited about your Press Start fic! :D AND YAY OT3 TOGETHER!
Also so thrilled to hear about your progress with editing along with your enjoyment with the process. Lookit all those notes and stuff everywhere! That's amazing! You should be really proud of yourself :D editing isn't easy and I know so many people who either don't do it or just check for spelling and grammar a little bit. This is stellar. This is you getting to know yourself as a writer even more. This is you allowing yourself to grow and it's beautiful. So proud of you :D
no subject
At this rate, I want out but I don't know where to go. Health insurance is a must - I looked at how much it would be to add Jon to my policy in case I wanted to promote, and it's over $500 a paycheck for the four of us, so fuck that. We also found out that Jon will lose his benefits if he drops to part time, hence the health insurance problem. Which probably means that figuring out childcare is the next step and where that money comes from... or I stay where I am and grit my teeth and hope for the best. Right now I can only take so much of that, so we'll see. Looking over job listings and revamping my resume and we'll see what happens over the course of the next few months.
I'm trying to be gentle with myself, because while I'm tearing my work apart there's still this nagging voice that tells me that it's not worth it and I'm not making it better. That all this work will be for nothing, but I'm trying. It's hard when you're not doing great mentally and this is the one thing that makes you happy - a feeling I know you understand. At least I know I put the effort in. We'll see if it's worth another draft when I'm done. If nothing else, I guess it's good practice.
no subject
I COMPLETELY FEEL YOU ON THE HEALTH INSURANCE AND ALL OF THAT OMG. I get mad every year that I have to pick the more expensive health care option at my work because anything cheaper wouldn't cover all my health problems. I just want to punch insurance in the face :(
If you need any help with said resume, even if it's just making it clean and pretty, let me know ♥
Dude, you and me both with editing. Even though I've been doing it for years, I'll still look at my work sometimes and be like, "... fuck, I don't even know if this is good." And if you're even 2% off kilter, it just makes it that much more difficult :( *warmest of hugs* but you're doing great imo and I'm proud of you. And I can't wait to beta it to help you make this story even more awesome ♥
no subject
LEGIT. And that wasn't even an exact match for what Jon's insurance is at Apple, just as close as I can get. The kids and I can take a lesser plan because we don't need as much coverage as he does, but it also makes us leery of switching jobs because who knows if they'll even cover him going forward :/ Insurance is a con job and we're all getting fucked over.
*curls up in lap* I'm trying. I think I'm doing better now that I'm out of a scene I was really struggling with. You know I always appreciate your help, and I'm really looking forward to the perspective you'll bring to it! And you know, I hope you like it, not just reading it because I asked you to, lol. ♥
no subject
*insert Kill Bill sirens here*
I hate this shit. I hated it when I used to work retail and I still hate it now. Like no, you signed up to work for that store. Just because you're unable to fucking bounce around like a pinball machine doesn't make you less valuable as a team member. Likewise, just because you can do that doesn't mean you should. Fuck that, they're not paying you guys enough to do that.
Fingers crossed for you bb :(
Sometimes you need to bulldoze through those scenes you're struggling with and then come back to it with superglue to make it all better. Or maybe sweep it into the trash and start over. Who knows. Won't know until you start somewhere though. Easier said than done, totally get it, but super proud of you with all your progress and efforts. You got this! ♥ ♥ ♥ really can't wait to read it.