amie lynne; (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tiny_ninja) wrote2019-01-06 08:44 am
tiny_ninja) wrote2019-01-06 08:44 am
Entry tags:
the best of #shitjonsays;
Because this is what it's like to live with Jon on a daily basis. This man is 47 years old and acts like he's perpetually 15.
“It says ‘ducks’ on the fridge and there’s an F too and it’s hard… it’s so hard…”
- on the magnetic letters on the refrigerator
--
Gabby: *asks Jon to kiss various boo boos*
Jon: I don’t think your credit card has a boo boo.
Gabby: It’s full.
--
“Jesus, how many things do you have to kill in order to go pee in this castle?!”
- watching me Kingdom Hearts II, in Disney Castle
--
“Roses are red, violets smell bad, your mom just told me someone else is your dad.”
--
“Wow. This tastes the way Hormel chili smells.”
- while eating gas station beef jerky
--
"The recipe idea is good. The recipe itself is shit.
- on whether or not to add a whole can of diced tomatoes to our pasta dish in the making
--
"I’m still lyrically handicapped when it comes to introducing music to children."
- on the kids listening to his favorite music
--
Me: I’ve never made scones before.
Jon: Scones are a bag of dicks.
--
" I just figured out the best way to describe our property. You can take ten steps out into our woods and see fucking Survivorman sleeping under a lean-to."
--
"I do have a pretty impressive facial mullet. I’m really party in the front and business in the back."
- on his beard
--
"Of course you have imaginary friends, you’re a writer. Only your imaginary friends are assholes and they only come around when you don’t have time to play."
- in the most accurate statement about my writing process ever
--
"It’s a fuckin’ stuffed animal orgy in there."
- on the number of toys currently in Q’s bed to help him sleep
--
"Every time you open the basement door, the cat runs downstairs like she has to delete her browser history."
--
Jon: *holds up pizza* I could have just half a slice...
Me: No. It's 9:30 at night. You'll be lying in bed going, "Oh, my head hurts so much and now I'm coughing like a bitch because of the acid reflux and-"
Jon: SHUT UP. FUCK YOU. I HATE YOU. *shoves box into fridge*
--
"Okay, so I have an oddly-shaped dildo… I thought this was supposed to be for my nose."
- unpacking the sinus clearing kit thing the doctor had him buy today
--
Me: Every time Siri properly sets a timer I feel like giving my phone a gold star. Like the kid with the potty chart.
Jon: Well, most of the pee was in the bathroom, do you want a sticker?
--
"What do you mean the kid’s diaper smelled like burned asshole?"
- Me, after Jon let Q have Chipotle last night
--
"I think it tastes more like butthole. Ass can be kind of bland, butthole has a tang."
- when I told him the water tastes funny
--
"This would make a vegetarian sploosh."
- on the meat lasagna he made for dinner
--
"Nachos are just broken tacos… though broken tacos are broken dreams. Delicious broken dreams."
--
Q: I don't see any velociraptors out there.
Me: I don't see any raptors or monsters out there.
Jon: The velociraptors ate the monsters.
Me: And now they're in a food coma so you don't see them. They're napping.
--
Jon: I'm so much lazier than you are.
Me: Are you sure?
Jon: I'll pay you a dollar!
Me: You don't have a dollar.
Jon: ........I'll owe you a dollar?
--
Me: I'm a little short on word count, but only by 60 words.
Jon: Can you just write "fuck" 60 times?
--
"I play Lego games the way Joe Flacco plays quarterback: I chuck it and pray."
- playing Lego Jurassic World
--
"When the aliens come, just let me do the talking."
- while looking at the eclipse last night
--
Jon: Look at you, being all domesticated and shit!
Me: Don't worry, I'll go back to being my lazy ass bachelor self tomorrow.
--
"If you eat one of these cookies, you’re gonna see more than dinosaurs."
- when Q asked for one of his special cookies
--
Me: Now imagine if I tried to make it.
Jon: There would be tears.
Me: There would be Domino's.
- trying to have an Iron Chef night
--
"Both of these lanes move over, right? Good, I don’t want to be behind that sketchy truck. I feel like there’s a guy in a clown mask there… and a chain saw… and a ball gag…"
--
"We’re so close to home you can almost smell it. It smells like maple syrup and pot."
- talking to Q, while driving home to Maine
--
"I’ll give you $15 and all the risotto you can eat to make that blanket for me."
- seeing me drooling over a new afghan pattern
--
"Oh, I need someone to box? Give me a two year old. I’ll knock the shit out of them."
- describing how I power level in video games
--
"Llama llama drives me crazy,
Because your daddy’s fucking lazy."
- reading Llama Llama to Q
--
"Look at them, they don’t even have anything. Not a single one of them is sparkly. Begging-ass beggars."
- after killing some guys in Dragon Age
--
Jon: I used to keep chocolate chips around to add to vanilla ice cream.
Me: We used to keep chocolate chips around to smash in our face.
Jon: Yeah, we did that too. I miss that.
--
"Your parents don’t know what ginger is. They think it’s a character on Gilligan’s Island."
- on the fact that my parents do not have ginger in their spice cabinet
--
"This is what aged awesome looks like. Like a cheese."
- on his birthday
--
"It’s organic? So what? Sprinkle some DDT on there, bitch, and knock a dollar off the price."
- on organic peanut butter cups at Starbucks
--
Me: At least the house smells nice now.
Jon: Oh, that's me. Didn't you know that in the winter I fart pine?
- on having a real Christmas tree
--
"I got a man crush on Chris Cornell’s voice. Not on Chris Cornell, but I can pick out his voice anywhere."
- while listening to the radio
--
Q's dump truck toy, singing: In and out, in and out, that's what dump truck's all about...
Jon (under his breath): In and out, in and out, that's what fucking's all about...
--
"Look at us, making adult decisions! … You want some donuts?"
--
Me: That's just wrong. You weren't a child watching Rugrats. I was.
Jon: No, I was high watching Rugrats.
--
Jon: Oh! Crap! Gotta take the swords. That'll be awkward if I get pulled over.
Me: Just do what you usually do, and just blame me.
--
"Your Peter Pan wouldn’t. My Peter Pan slays bitches. It’s Peter Panic, as in you better fucking panic when you see me coming."
- discussing Peter Pan as we watch the end of Hook
--
"It could be a redemption story! Look at me now, I’m barely an asshole!"
--
Me: How many times do I need to tell you to fuck off?
Jon: At least once more, Miss Turner, as always.
- realizing Candy Crush was still on my iPad
--
Jon: That doesn't cost much these days, right?
Me: You only need to sell one organ for that.
Jon: It'll have to be yours, because no one's gonna want mine.
- on the prospect of future dental work for Q
--
"Well, you are my kid. The asshole runs deep in our family, son."
--
Me: Oh, thank you.
Jon: It's only half to be helpful. I threw my fork in the sink and I still have two bites of rice left. I mean, I love you, but sometimes I'm incredibly lazy.
- grabbing my empty plate for me
--
Me: It was just listed as "candy brownie."
Jon: It's just listed as "Jon has diabeetus."
--
"Any moron can make a baby, but you need a license to have a dog."
--
Jon: What did you feed him for breakfast, tacos?
Me: Uh, no. Bananas and yogurt.
Jon: That was not bananas. That was tacos.
--
Jon: I hate you!
Me: No, you don't.
Jon: Okay, fine. I am mildly annoyed at your use of logic and reasoning against me. Fuck you logic!
--
"I love how we can flip each other off and say ‘fuck you’ in such a charming and endearing manner."
--
Jon: Old age just came and kicked me right in the nuts.
Me: ....That's going on tumblr.
Jon: What?! I don't even remember what I said!
--
Jon: Oh my god, I need chocolate.
Me: There's raisinets on top of the fridge.
Jon: I love you. You know where my fix is. Come here, raisinets. You are my bitch.
--
"Wonderparent powers activate! Form of: not a douchebag!"
--
"I’m not even trying to be healthy anymore. I’m just trying to be one step below imminent death."
--
Me: It could be the coffee.
Jon: It could be the fuck you.
- on heartburn
--
"I should go to bed, but now I’m all pissed off about vegans… Fuck."
--
"Speaking from the perspective of a dick…"
--
"That’s it, that’s the rule. If you want to come see the baby, bring a pizza. Plain cheese will do just fine. If you want to hold the baby, bring hot wings."
“It says ‘ducks’ on the fridge and there’s an F too and it’s hard… it’s so hard…”
- on the magnetic letters on the refrigerator
--
Gabby: *asks Jon to kiss various boo boos*
Jon: I don’t think your credit card has a boo boo.
Gabby: It’s full.
--
“Jesus, how many things do you have to kill in order to go pee in this castle?!”
- watching me Kingdom Hearts II, in Disney Castle
--
“Roses are red, violets smell bad, your mom just told me someone else is your dad.”
--
“Wow. This tastes the way Hormel chili smells.”
- while eating gas station beef jerky
--
"The recipe idea is good. The recipe itself is shit.
- on whether or not to add a whole can of diced tomatoes to our pasta dish in the making
--
"I’m still lyrically handicapped when it comes to introducing music to children."
- on the kids listening to his favorite music
--
Me: I’ve never made scones before.
Jon: Scones are a bag of dicks.
--
" I just figured out the best way to describe our property. You can take ten steps out into our woods and see fucking Survivorman sleeping under a lean-to."
--
"I do have a pretty impressive facial mullet. I’m really party in the front and business in the back."
- on his beard
--
"Of course you have imaginary friends, you’re a writer. Only your imaginary friends are assholes and they only come around when you don’t have time to play."
- in the most accurate statement about my writing process ever
--
"It’s a fuckin’ stuffed animal orgy in there."
- on the number of toys currently in Q’s bed to help him sleep
--
"Every time you open the basement door, the cat runs downstairs like she has to delete her browser history."
--
Jon: *holds up pizza* I could have just half a slice...
Me: No. It's 9:30 at night. You'll be lying in bed going, "Oh, my head hurts so much and now I'm coughing like a bitch because of the acid reflux and-"
Jon: SHUT UP. FUCK YOU. I HATE YOU. *shoves box into fridge*
--
"Okay, so I have an oddly-shaped dildo… I thought this was supposed to be for my nose."
- unpacking the sinus clearing kit thing the doctor had him buy today
--
Me: Every time Siri properly sets a timer I feel like giving my phone a gold star. Like the kid with the potty chart.
Jon: Well, most of the pee was in the bathroom, do you want a sticker?
--
"What do you mean the kid’s diaper smelled like burned asshole?"
- Me, after Jon let Q have Chipotle last night
--
"I think it tastes more like butthole. Ass can be kind of bland, butthole has a tang."
- when I told him the water tastes funny
--
"This would make a vegetarian sploosh."
- on the meat lasagna he made for dinner
--
"Nachos are just broken tacos… though broken tacos are broken dreams. Delicious broken dreams."
--
Q: I don't see any velociraptors out there.
Me: I don't see any raptors or monsters out there.
Jon: The velociraptors ate the monsters.
Me: And now they're in a food coma so you don't see them. They're napping.
--
Jon: I'm so much lazier than you are.
Me: Are you sure?
Jon: I'll pay you a dollar!
Me: You don't have a dollar.
Jon: ........I'll owe you a dollar?
--
Me: I'm a little short on word count, but only by 60 words.
Jon: Can you just write "fuck" 60 times?
--
"I play Lego games the way Joe Flacco plays quarterback: I chuck it and pray."
- playing Lego Jurassic World
--
"When the aliens come, just let me do the talking."
- while looking at the eclipse last night
--
Jon: Look at you, being all domesticated and shit!
Me: Don't worry, I'll go back to being my lazy ass bachelor self tomorrow.
--
"If you eat one of these cookies, you’re gonna see more than dinosaurs."
- when Q asked for one of his special cookies
--
Me: Now imagine if I tried to make it.
Jon: There would be tears.
Me: There would be Domino's.
- trying to have an Iron Chef night
--
"Both of these lanes move over, right? Good, I don’t want to be behind that sketchy truck. I feel like there’s a guy in a clown mask there… and a chain saw… and a ball gag…"
--
"We’re so close to home you can almost smell it. It smells like maple syrup and pot."
- talking to Q, while driving home to Maine
--
"I’ll give you $15 and all the risotto you can eat to make that blanket for me."
- seeing me drooling over a new afghan pattern
--
"Oh, I need someone to box? Give me a two year old. I’ll knock the shit out of them."
- describing how I power level in video games
--
"Llama llama drives me crazy,
Because your daddy’s fucking lazy."
- reading Llama Llama to Q
--
"Look at them, they don’t even have anything. Not a single one of them is sparkly. Begging-ass beggars."
- after killing some guys in Dragon Age
--
Jon: I used to keep chocolate chips around to add to vanilla ice cream.
Me: We used to keep chocolate chips around to smash in our face.
Jon: Yeah, we did that too. I miss that.
--
"Your parents don’t know what ginger is. They think it’s a character on Gilligan’s Island."
- on the fact that my parents do not have ginger in their spice cabinet
--
"This is what aged awesome looks like. Like a cheese."
- on his birthday
--
"It’s organic? So what? Sprinkle some DDT on there, bitch, and knock a dollar off the price."
- on organic peanut butter cups at Starbucks
--
Me: At least the house smells nice now.
Jon: Oh, that's me. Didn't you know that in the winter I fart pine?
- on having a real Christmas tree
--
"I got a man crush on Chris Cornell’s voice. Not on Chris Cornell, but I can pick out his voice anywhere."
- while listening to the radio
--
Q's dump truck toy, singing: In and out, in and out, that's what dump truck's all about...
Jon (under his breath): In and out, in and out, that's what fucking's all about...
--
"Look at us, making adult decisions! … You want some donuts?"
--
Me: That's just wrong. You weren't a child watching Rugrats. I was.
Jon: No, I was high watching Rugrats.
--
Jon: Oh! Crap! Gotta take the swords. That'll be awkward if I get pulled over.
Me: Just do what you usually do, and just blame me.
--
"Your Peter Pan wouldn’t. My Peter Pan slays bitches. It’s Peter Panic, as in you better fucking panic when you see me coming."
- discussing Peter Pan as we watch the end of Hook
--
"It could be a redemption story! Look at me now, I’m barely an asshole!"
--
Me: How many times do I need to tell you to fuck off?
Jon: At least once more, Miss Turner, as always.
- realizing Candy Crush was still on my iPad
--
Jon: That doesn't cost much these days, right?
Me: You only need to sell one organ for that.
Jon: It'll have to be yours, because no one's gonna want mine.
- on the prospect of future dental work for Q
--
"Well, you are my kid. The asshole runs deep in our family, son."
--
Me: Oh, thank you.
Jon: It's only half to be helpful. I threw my fork in the sink and I still have two bites of rice left. I mean, I love you, but sometimes I'm incredibly lazy.
- grabbing my empty plate for me
--
Me: It was just listed as "candy brownie."
Jon: It's just listed as "Jon has diabeetus."
--
"Any moron can make a baby, but you need a license to have a dog."
--
Jon: What did you feed him for breakfast, tacos?
Me: Uh, no. Bananas and yogurt.
Jon: That was not bananas. That was tacos.
--
Jon: I hate you!
Me: No, you don't.
Jon: Okay, fine. I am mildly annoyed at your use of logic and reasoning against me. Fuck you logic!
--
"I love how we can flip each other off and say ‘fuck you’ in such a charming and endearing manner."
--
Jon: Old age just came and kicked me right in the nuts.
Me: ....That's going on tumblr.
Jon: What?! I don't even remember what I said!
--
Jon: Oh my god, I need chocolate.
Me: There's raisinets on top of the fridge.
Jon: I love you. You know where my fix is. Come here, raisinets. You are my bitch.
--
"Wonderparent powers activate! Form of: not a douchebag!"
--
"I’m not even trying to be healthy anymore. I’m just trying to be one step below imminent death."
--
Me: It could be the coffee.
Jon: It could be the fuck you.
- on heartburn
--
"I should go to bed, but now I’m all pissed off about vegans… Fuck."
--
"Speaking from the perspective of a dick…"
--
"That’s it, that’s the rule. If you want to come see the baby, bring a pizza. Plain cheese will do just fine. If you want to hold the baby, bring hot wings."
no subject
"Your dad is like a cross between the Burger King and Freddie Mercury... Burger Mercury."
Me: Dad's on a lot of drugs
Jon: Dad IS drugs
...also I kinda wanna make some of these into icons
ETA: I swear half of these conversations are things Ty and I say to each other. In some AU where we have kids, Ty and Jon would perpetually try to one up each other in dad stories
(no subject)
(no subject)